Having seen Twilight, I knew what I was letting myself in for when I went to see New Moon. On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 represents the worst film ever produced and 10 represents the best film ever produced, New Moon manages to sneak into the negative numbers. Yes it really is that bad.
Once the lights went up the first phrase out of my mouth was, “What a complete load of Toilet!” I think I may have said it a bit louder than I should. I fear I may have offended some women aged 15-30 who thought is was amazing. They were wrong!
I knew they had managed to ruin the concept of Vampires in the first film, but I figured Werewolves are impossible to ruin. I forgot that you could just make them boring. Never mind.
To summarize the plot.
Girl: I love you mister vampire.
Vampire: I love you too.
Vampire: I’m going away and I will never see you again.
Girl: I’m devastated and my life is over, but that guy over there is really hot. I think he may have played Shark Boy in the childrens film “Shark Boy and Lava Girl”. I’ll use him as my rebound guy and become an adrenaline junky.
Girl: I can’t commit to you hot guy. You might leave me.
Hot Guy: I’ll never leave you.
Hot Guy: I’m leaving you.
Girl: I’m devastated and my life is over, but I can’t take a hint so I’m going to see Hot Guy. Oh. Hot Guy is a Werewolf. Never mind. I kinda like freaks.
Vampire’s Sister: I saw a vision of you jumping off a cliff. Vampire guy thinks you are dead and is going to kill himself.
Girl: I was just jumping off a cliff for fun. Oh no. I’m going to save Vampire guy.
Girl: Phew, I saved you mister vampire, but oh no, maybe not.
Enter Dakota Fanning and Michael Sheen: We are both really famous and quite cool, but we’ll do nothing of significance and just take home a pay check.
Vampire, Hot Guy and Girl: Let’s have a small confrontation that makes it look like we are finally going to see some cool vampire-werewolf fight action, but then settle everything with no violence because that would displease the small girls in the audience.
Vampire: Marry me.
Girl: Oh, all my dreams have come true.
At that point I had a terrible feeling I was going to have to witness a wedding. Fortunately the director took pity on me and made it end.
The film will be a major success as it exploits the hormonal insanity of 13-year old girls. It’s like their version of catnip.
PS. If nothing else it helped me forget about 2012…
PPS. You may be wondering why I went to see it in the first place. One of my female friends asked me along and I foolishly said yes.