The quick guide to being as annoying as possible on a plane…

If you are flying cattle-class it’s pretty easy to get annoyed, but here are a few things that really get on my nerves…

Hand Luggage

  • The correct way to remove your luggage from the overhead compartment does not include bouncing it off my head! The item in question was a solid hand-luggage bag with reinforced corners. The word, “Shit”, came out of my mouth at high volume as I checked my head for bleeding.
  • When they tell you one piece per passenger, that is what they mean. Not three pieces of hand luggage and a suit holder. If you are going to bring that much with you (assuming you are let on the flight with it), don’t you dare complain about there being no room in the over head compartment above your seat you selfish git.
  • Hand luggage does not mean full size cases, fragile items or wedding cakes. If you do decide to attempt to transport a wedding cake as hand luggage, don’t get all uptight with the flight attendants because there is nowhere safe to put it.

Aisle Etiquette

  • When you are walking up the aisle, don’t grab my head rest and pull on it with all your might. It’s really annoying, especially when I have raised my head rest and in grabbing it you push it back down again.
  • When you are walking past the exit row seats, don’t steady yourself on my pull-out screen so your fingers cover half the screen and leave what I can only assume is post-toilet visit residue on the screen.
  • When you are walking up the aisle, don’t grab my shoulder to steady yourself. It’s even more annoying than the head rest or the screen incidents.
  • If you insist on sleeping with your legs and/or head blocking the aisle, don’t give me (or the flight attendants) evils if I/they wake you up as I/they walk past.

Headphones

  • When you see the flight attendent coming to serve you food or drinks, remove your headphones! Don’t sit there squinting at him/her saying, “What?”, repeatedly. The reason you can’t hear them is you have the volume set to 11/10 on your earphones you daft old bat.
  • Remove your headphones before starting a conversation with your partner. The rest of the cabin are not interested in that “funny” scene in the rom-com you are watching. If they were I’m sure the captain would announce it.

Hygiene

  • Use deodorant. Nuff said.
  • When you are sitting next to me, don’t constantly huff and puff and generally cover me with your stank breath. I’m not enjoying the flight either, but I’m not getting on your tits.
  • Leave the toilets in the state you would expect to find them. I’m sick of having to clean them up for fear of the next person thinking it’s me that made that mess. They do provide bins you know!
  • If you are going to cough, sneeze or hock a loogie please use a tissue. I am constantly ill these days and I’m guessing most of it comes from the dirty air in planes.

Flight Attendants

  • You may not know this, but the flight attendants are not your personal slaves. If you get off your lazy fat ass once in while you might manage to avoid DVT.
  • When the flight attendant asks you to do something, you should do it. That includes not getting out of your seat to retrieve your hand luggage while the plane is still moving.

Seats

  • When you see the flight attendants serving food, it’s a nice gesture to put your seat upright. It makes life a lot easier for the person behind you.
  • Just because you’ve finished eating it doesn’t mean the person behind you has, so you might want to think twice before attempting a new world record for speed seat reclining.
  • I’ve paid for my seat so don’t steal my space by leaning on me or sticking your elbows into my ribs. I’m fat and if I can manage to stay within my allotted space you sure as hell can.

Volume

  • You don’t need to shout to talk to the person sitting next to you (see headphones).
  • Business people. I’m sure your companies and your clients would not be pleased to know the amount of information you are passing out to strangers by speaking loudly about your latest deal/budget. I sat behind two guys recently who were obviously playing, “my job is more important that yours”, with each other. During several minutes I was clearly able to hear the companies they worked for, the clients their companies were working with and some of the deals they had struck, including the profit margins involved. I was severely tempted to write it all down and phone the companies in question and tell them what I had heard. In summary, it’s not big, it’s not clever and it makes you look like an insecure prick!

Exiting the Plane

  • Removing your hand luggage while the plane is moving is a bad idea. I’m sure if you injure someone doing it you could find yourself with a hefty legal bill.
  • When the time comes to leave the plane, pushing and shoving to try and move one space forward in the queue is really stupid. If you are lucky you will get out 3 seconds earlier, where you will find yourself in a queue for customs and baggage claim. It’s really not worth the effort of trampling me.

These and many more annoying habits can be found in the economy class seating of your favorite airline.

Cheers

Tim…

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Tim...

I DBA, Developer, Author, Trainer.