The wife was in town last night and decided we should see Fifty Shades of Grey. Despite having only seen each other about 4 times (including yesterday) since we got married on the boat at OUGN2014, I like to think this is not an indicator that our relationship is on the rocks…
OMG. What a terrible film!
I’ve not read the books, so I wasn’t really sure what to expect. The following contains spoilers (assuming you can spoil something that is complete toilet in the first place) and some rude words. Those of a sensitive nature should not read on. You have been warned.
- Anastasia Steel (AS) : Hi. I’m rather vacuous with low self esteem, but I’ve come to interview you because my slutty mate is ill. I would just like to say, despite being obviously attractive, I feel very dowdy and “girl next door” compared to all the supermodels you have working here.
- Christian Grey (CG) : Wow. Despite me being a billionaire and you looking very ordinary compared to my supermodel employees, I find your vacuousness and obvious low self esteem incredibly attractive, not because I believe I can manipulate you into being my submissive or anything crazy like that.
- Fast forward about 1 hour where nothing really happens. We see CG’s brother who is nothing like him.
- CG : Please sign a non-disclosure agreement.
- AS : I am relatively OK with that.
- CG : Come and look at my playroom/dungeon. Admire all my torture devices.
- AS : Gosh! That’s a little weird! Oh, by the way I’m a virgin who is just about to graduate from college.
- CG : Let’s rectify that. Bish, bash, bosh, you’re not a virgin anymore.
- Fast forward past several scenes where CG manipulates AS into believing his playroom is basically for tickling girls before having sex with them, because that’s what S&M is!
- CG : I want to you sign a contract to become my official submissive. It’s just got a few silly rules that we will both abide by. By the way, am I allowed to perform anal and vaginal fisting on you? (WTF? A few minutes ago she was a virgin and now you are asking her that?)
- AS : Oh. Now let me think…
- Fast forward a bit. Meet CG’s family. His sister is Rita Ora. Is this really a normal family or am I starting to believe the kids are all adopted?
- AS : I don’t know if I can go through with this because you are emotionally detached, but you are a bit dreamy and a billionaire. Like all stereotypical female characters, I believe I can change you into the man of my dreams. All I have to do I let you beat the crap out of me for a while until I win you over.
- CG : Look, I’m a weirdo and get off on torturing women. That’s not going to change. When you’re asleep I’ll tell you a little about my childhood and subsequent adoption to try and justify my actions, not that you’ll know about it of course. (Wow. I totally understand why it is OK for you to torture women now… NOT!)
- AS : Blah, blah, blah. I can’t make up my mind if I want to go through with this submissive thing. It sounds like fun in a horribly painful way and all that, but I just can’t decide. The only way I will be able to decide is if you do the worst thing you possibly can to me and I’ll see how I feel about it. Yeah. That seems like the obvious way forward for us!
- CG : Awesome. Despite the massive array of torture implements I’ve got, the worst thing I can do is hit you with a belt 6 times. (Admittedly, this is bad, but the worst thing he can do? I don’t think so!)
- AS : I didn’t like that. Now I’m mildly less vacuous and being beaten has somehow raised my self esteem, I’ve decided I don’t want to do this. Goodbye.
- The End!
It’s basically Twilight for adults, but worse. OMG, did I really just say something was worse than Twilight?
For the first hour the acting was painfully bad. It was like some mix between Twilight and a “made for TV” movie. Just shocking. Later in the film, as Anastasia developed a bit of backbone, her performance got quite good, which leads me to believe she’s a pretty good actress, assuming there is something worth acting…
There are so many bad stereotypes and cliches in this movie.
Despite the terrible film it was a fun evening. Debra once described a “horror film” she had seen to me. I later found out this “horror film” was Conan the Barbarian. If someone sneezes or twists their ankle in a film, it is essentially a horror film as far as she’s concerned. There were a couple of scenes in this film that made her jump, which was hilarious.
Added to that, some of the dialog was so bad it had me laughing out loud. I don’t believe it was meant to be funny, but it was so stupid I couldn’t help myself.
Please don’t go and see this film!
Cheers
Tim…