The wife was in town last night and decided we should see Fifty Shades of Grey. Despite having only seen each other about 4 times (including yesterday) since we got married on the boat at OUGN2014, I like to think this is not an indicator that our relationship is on the rocks…
OMG. What a terrible film!
I’ve not read the books, so I wasn’t really sure what to expect. The following contains spoilers (assuming you can spoil something that is complete toilet in the first place) and some rude words. Those of a sensitive nature should not read on. You have been warned.
- Anastasia Steel (AS) : Hi. I’m rather vacuous with low self esteem, but I’ve come to interview you because my slutty mate is ill. I would just like to say, despite being obviously attractive, I feel very dowdy and “girl next door” compared to all the supermodels you have working here.
- Christian Grey (CG) : Wow. Despite me being a billionaire and you looking very ordinary compared to my supermodel employees, I find your vacuousness and obvious low self esteem incredibly attractive, not because I believe I can manipulate you into being my submissive or anything crazy like that.
- Fast forward about 1 hour where nothing really happens. We see CG’s brother who is nothing like him.
- CG : Please sign a non-disclosure agreement.
- AS : I am relatively OK with that.
- CG : Come and look at my playroom/dungeon. Admire all my torture devices.
- AS : Gosh! That’s a little weird! Oh, by the way I’m a virgin who is just about to graduate from college.
- CG : Let’s rectify that. Bish, bash, bosh, you’re not a virgin anymore.
- Fast forward past several scenes where CG manipulates AS into believing his playroom is basically for tickling girls before having sex with them, because that’s what S&M is!
- CG : I want to you sign a contract to become my official submissive. It’s just got a few silly rules that we will both abide by. By the way, am I allowed to perform anal and vaginal fisting on you? (WTF? A few minutes ago she was a virgin and now you are asking her that?)
- AS : Oh. Now let me think…
- Fast forward a bit. Meet CG’s family. His sister is Rita Ora. Is this really a normal family or am I starting to believe the kids are all adopted?
- AS : I don’t know if I can go through with this because you are emotionally detached, but you are a bit dreamy and a billionaire. Like all stereotypical female characters, I believe I can change you into the man of my dreams. All I have to do I let you beat the crap out of me for a while until I win you over.
- CG : Look, I’m a weirdo and get off on torturing women. That’s not going to change. When you’re asleep I’ll tell you a little about my childhood and subsequent adoption to try and justify my actions, not that you’ll know about it of course. (Wow. I totally understand why it is OK for you to torture women now… NOT!)
- AS : Blah, blah, blah. I can’t make up my mind if I want to go through with this submissive thing. It sounds like fun in a horribly painful way and all that, but I just can’t decide. The only way I will be able to decide is if you do the worst thing you possibly can to me and I’ll see how I feel about it. Yeah. That seems like the obvious way forward for us!
- CG : Awesome. Despite the massive array of torture implements I’ve got, the worst thing I can do is hit you with a belt 6 times. (Admittedly, this is bad, but the worst thing he can do? I don’t think so!)
- AS : I didn’t like that. Now I’m mildly less vacuous and being beaten has somehow raised my self esteem, I’ve decided I don’t want to do this. Goodbye.
- The End!
It’s basically Twilight for adults, but worse. OMG, did I really just say something was worse than Twilight?
For the first hour the acting was painfully bad. It was like some mix between Twilight and a “made for TV” movie. Just shocking. Later in the film, as Anastasia developed a bit of backbone, her performance got quite good, which leads me to believe she’s a pretty good actress, assuming there is something worth acting…
There are so many bad stereotypes and cliches in this movie.
Despite the terrible film it was a fun evening. Debra once described a “horror film” she had seen to me. I later found out this “horror film” was Conan the Barbarian. If someone sneezes or twists their ankle in a film, it is essentially a horror film as far as she’s concerned. There were a couple of scenes in this film that made her jump, which was hilarious.
Added to that, some of the dialog was so bad it had me laughing out loud. I don’t believe it was meant to be funny, but it was so stupid I couldn’t help myself.
Please don’t go and see this film!
5 thoughts on “Fifty Shades of Grey”
Please can you and Debra watch and review “The Human Centipede” next?
Can’t agree more!
I was at the local theatre last week waiting to see The Interview (funny!) when 400 women and 3 men camee out of the 50 shades session in the grand theatre. The local movie manager was ecstatic, but he couldnb’t believe how anyone could enjoy that movie. And quite frankly, I haven’t bothered yet. Been a looong time since I last left a movie halfway through, but this one could do it…
Mark: I think we should start a regular series called, “Shit movies I’ve seen with the wife!”
Noons: I guess a lot of people who heard the hype about the books, but couldn’t be bothered to read them, turned up. I doubt many will turn up for film 2, if they even bother to make it…
My other half and I went to the cinema on Sunday to see Big Hero 6 (enjoyable enough, but it’s no Toy Story/Monster’s Inc), and on our way in, we were stopped by two girls who said “OH MY GOD! Go see 50 shades, it was AMAZING!” and I was like “Um, NO!”
I sampled the first book, and it was really bad writing and, based on what everyone else has been saying, it’s basically about a man abusing a woman and trying to convince her that she likes it. I don’t get why that’s a premise which has, apparently, proved to be quite popular. People are weird.
I’d go with 50 sheds of grey! If you want to introduce the unusual painful experience to your relationship, blindfold your partner and get them to walk towards you having strewn random bits of Lego(tm) across the carpet.
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