Category: Films

Battleship…

Where to begin with Battleship?

The good:

The bad:

  • If you hate disaster porn you’ll hate this film.
  • The aliens are an impressive mix of intelligent and retarded because they have some amazing technology, but they don’t bother to use it for quite obvious purposes, that would make them pretty much invincible. Lucky the human race is only ever invaded by amazingly advanced idiots.
  • The link into the Hasbro game Battleships is really ham-fisted. It’s not even similar to the game, which makes it even more embarrassing.
  • The film really needs an edit that can be shown outside the USA. There is about 10 minutes of footage that makes me want to vomit and quite frankly ruins the whole film. It makes Independence Day* feel like a multi-national experience in comparison. The fact that this is mandatory in Hollywood films kinda suggests it works will with the US audiences, so it probably pays to include it. I guess if the UK had any kind of film industry we would probably be just as bad, but since we can only make period dramas and east-end gangster films, we don’t get the opportunity to be quite so sickening. If this crap had been edited out I would have enjoyed the film sooooo much more.
  • It is so full of gaping holes you would think it was a Michael Bay film.

If you follow the blog you know that I go to some pretty awful films and enjoy quite a few of them. A little bit of editing and I would have come away saying very positive things. As it is, I’m so mentally scarred by the “Team USA” message, my overall impression was that it sucked.

Cheers

Tim…

* OMG, what a terrible film!

The Cabin in the Woods…

The adverts would have you believe The Cabin in the Woods is a “Game Changer”, “Astounding” and lots of other things that would make you think you are about to witness something that will change the course of movie history. That fact is, it’s just another teen slasher movie. It’s quite a good one as it goes, but there is nothing revolutionary here. I could have been watching any of the Scream films and it would have been pretty much the same experience.

If you like teen slashers, I think you will like this. To get maximum enjoyment, avoid any trailers, reviews with spoilers and hype.

Cheers

Tim…

John Carter…

It’s been a while since I’ve been to the cinema. I’ve been checking the listings regularly, but nothing has caught my interest. Yesterday I saw an advert on some website for John Carter which caught my eye. The name of the film sucks, which is probably why I never noticed it before, but after seeing the trailer I though it was worth a shot.

I really enjoyed it. The story is pretty neat, provided you don’t try to analyze it for more than a second. The visual effects are fantastic. There is a cute dog/lizard/monster thing that I really want. The leading lady is hot. Most importantly, it doesn’t take itself too seriously.

I went to see the 2D version, but Noons said the 3D version was good too.

If you like Sci-Fi movies I think you will like it.

Cheers

Tim…

Chronicle…

I thought Chronicle was a cool film. Three kids find some weird object and develop super powers. How will it affect them and how will they choose to use them?

It has the “shot on my camcorder” feel, like Cloverfield, and has a kind of Akira feel to me. While I was watching it I kept expecting someone to say, “With great power comes great responsibility!” 🙂

The effects are pretty cool. At the start they look like they are going to be a bit low budget, but by the end they get pretty impressive.

Nice mix of teen angst, super powers and destruction. Obviously not targeted for 42 year old men, but it hit the mark for me. I guess that says a lot. 🙂

Cheers

Tim…

Underworld: Awakening…

I went to watch the 3D version of Underworld: Awakening yesterday.

I’ve made my feeling know about 3D several times and this film changes nothing. The 3D element is an expensive gimmick I can live without. What’s more, the 3D in this film is pretty crappy. It looks like a post-production thing, rather than being filmed in 3D. It just so happens the cinema I went to was only showing it in 3D so I had little choice.

3D gripe aside, what did I think of the film? I liked it. It doesn’t bring anything new to the table. In fact it’s very much like the previous two films starring Kate Beckinsale, but it is crammed with iconic slow-mo shots that scream cool to people like me who are fans of women kicking ass in films. Just like the Resident Evil films, if they keep making them, I’ll keep watching them, pretty much regardless of plot or quality… 🙂

Cheers

Tim…

Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol

Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol is OK for a Tom Cruise action vehicle. It is more or less the same as all the others in the franchise, which is not a bad thing. It just doesn’t bring anything new to the table. I knew it would be like this which is why it took me some time to work myself up to seeing it.

If you like the others go to see it. If you have not been won over to the franchise yet, I don’t think this one will do it. 🙂

Cheers

Tim…

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo….

This trilogy of books is awesome. I wrote about them here, here and here. You should definitely read them first.

I initially resisted watching the Swedish films, thinking they would be crappy compared to the books. On the insistence of one of my friends, who watched them after reading the books, I eventually saw them on DVD and they were great. They felt very much like the definitive films of the books to me. You should definitely watch these after reading the books.

When I heard there was going to be a Hollywood remake of The Girl With The Dragon Tatoo I was very skeptical indeed. It’s just so rare for things to come out of that machine without being sanitized and homogenized to the point where any hint of potential hasn’t been washed away. When Lisbeth Salander got out of bed and put on a T-shirt with the words, “FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCK”, I knew things were going to be OK. 🙂

As always, there are elements of the story from the first book that are missing and a few pieces that have been changed, probably to improve the pace of the film. Luckily, these don’t detract greatly from the overall theme. If you’ve read the books you’ll know they contain some very dark material. The film does not shy away from this, but is also not gratuitous about how it is portrayed, leaving enough to the imagination to allow you to think the worst. That’s not to say there isn’t any graphic stuff, there is, but not as much as there could have been…

It’s weird because the film and the actors themselves are not better or worse than those in the Swedish version. They are just different. Once you’ve read the books and watched the Swedish films, you should definitely watch the Hollywood version.

I guess I see the books, the Swedish films and the Hollywood film(s) as three different Universes, each with their own value. It’s hard to describe something so dark as enjoyable, but it’s well worth reading/watching in my opinion.

Cheers

Tim…

PS. At one point Lisbeth is writing SQL. I chuckled to myself as I sat in the cinema in my OTN T-shirt… 🙂

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows…

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows is a worthy sequel to the previous film. I read a couple of reviews saying the plot was too complicated. This surprises me because I would have though most people who saw the first film would understand that you are not meant to be able to fathom the clues. The whole point is that he is so amazing he can string a bunch of trivial things together and come up with some outlandish conclusion. The more ridiculous the better as far as I’m concerned.

This film is even more camp than the previous outing. There is definitely some bromance going on between Holmes and Watson. What with Holmes cross dressing and his brother (Stephen Fry) calling him Shirley, you get some totally Mr Humphries moments. The onscreen chemistry between Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr. is so good I imagine they would be a riot if you went down the pub with them.

A special note must be made of Stephen Fry’s hair in one of the scenes. It is all curled up at the ends and is truly a sight to behold. I was both cringing and laughing all at the same time. Perfect casting if you ask me.

If you loved the first one you’ll love this one. Great holiday fun.

Cheers

Tim…

The Thing…

The first film I ever saw on VHS was The Thing (originally released 1982). I’m not sure exactly how long after the cinema release it was, but I remember I was still in school, so I guess it was about 1983-84 and I was about 14-15 years old. A kid at school had just got a video recorder and I went over to his house to see it. It was one of those giant top-loader things. I was totally in awe of it. I thought the film was pretty neat too. 🙂

So 29 years after the first film was made they decided to make a prequel called The Thing (2011). If you’ve seen the original, then you’ll remember the scene at the start where the Norwegian helicopter is chasing the dog and a guy is taking pot-shots at it. The film is based around the events in the Norwegian camp prior to the first scene in the original film.

So how was it? Pretty darn good in my opinion. It’s hard to watch the original without feeling how dated it is. The new film is a fairly similar plot, in fact it might as well be a remake, but the visuals are brought right up to date. It’s a bit of a gore-fest at times and it makes you jump big-time on several occasions. If you liked the original, this is a worthy remake/prequel.

Cheers

Tim…

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1…

I’ve been looking forward to seeing The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 for a while. If you follow my blog you will know I pretty much hated all the previous films.

So why was I so keen to watch it? Basically so I could wax lyrical about how bad a film it is…

Well, now I’ve seen it and I’m a little disappointed because it wasn’t as bad as I wanted it to be. Don’t let that get your hopes up. It was terrible, but I wanted it to be worse. Since the last outing the main characters have learned a couple of extra expressions. I wouldn’t call it acting, but it is not so wooden as the previous films. It starts off with a sickly saccharin story line, then descends into something a little darker. It was at this point that for a fleeting moment I thought I might actually… like this film (insert gasp)… But no, it just dragged on and every time there was a scene that could have been developed into something cool, it either petered out, or turned into something from a My Little Pony story. It was just anti-climax after anti-climax.

So in conclusion, it was moderately less toilet than the other films, but not by much!

This has kinda ruined everything for me. I was looking forward to the last film in the series so I could hate that also, but now I feel rather apathetic about it all… 🙁

Cheers

Tim…